DON JUAN

CANTO THE THIRD

LONDON:
WILLIAM HONE, LUDGATE HILL

1819

I.

Miss Haidee and Don Juan pleaded well;

At least my publisher2 of late so tells me,

Although the world he does not chuse to tell,

Yet, every body knows ’tis he who sells me:

To sing what furthermore the pair3 befel,

(As he declines my book and thus compels me,

Because my “guinea trash” he will not own,)

I send this Canto in to Mr. Hone.

II.

I don’t know why Drab John4 so cavalierly,

Should manifest at large his timid organ;5

 10

I never baited women too severely,

Just see the Quarterly on Lady Morgan;

To call her ‘worm’ was using her but queerly, 6

They might as well at once have called her Gorgon:

I’m sure no one can say I’ve treated Haidee

As Ultracrepidario7 did that lady.

III.

John owes me much and need’nt have been ashamed

To put his name upon the title page,

Although he deemed my muse a little lamed,

And fitter to be warbling from a cage;

 20

I’d have him know she is not yet so tamed,

Although she scorns to shew it by a rage,

As crouch to any one so ministerial:

Was it not I that lent him wings etherial?

IV.

You’re witness here I don’t get passionable,

I never yet was cooler in my life;

But all men know, Drab John was rendered fashionable

When my son Harold8 took the Muse to wife:

I flatter me I’m still dash-on-able,

And so I scorn to lengthen out our strife:

 30

I am a decent judge of Nerve and Bone

I’d rather try Drab John than Mr. Hone.

V.

They say as folk grow older they grow wiser,

And Juan in his wisdom thought so too;

But if his actions gave, or not, the lie Sir,

Unto this axiom shall be left to you;

He’d travelled in most lands*9 aneath the sky, Sir,

France, Italy and Spain had wandered thro’,

And Germany and Holland10 scrambled over –

Until the packet landed him at Dover.

 40

VI.

But not to spy the bareness of the land,

Or quiz her laurelled Statesmen did he come;

To steal our Daughters?—no—he’d some on hand;

Or kiss our Wives? oh! no! he’d one at home:

But occupations being at a stand

Upon the Continent, he swore he’d roam,

And find some folk so apt to cram a lie

That he might feed his wife and family.

VII.

For I’ve forgot to tell you until now,

That Miss Haidee (they’re married by the bye,)

 50

Had brought him, somewhat strange as I allow,

Six strapping boys as ever met the eye;

And young Haidees as many, for somehow,

Whether to tame his noted gallantry,

Or in strict retribution for his Sins,

For six successive years she’d brought him twins.11

VIII.

And twins can’t live on air;—and no reliance

On life a moment can exist in Spain;

Since the exertions of our grand alliance

Have given the Spaniards their tenth plague again,12

 60

Who sets all calculations at defiance

By the embroidery of his hand and brain:

So, twins not feeding as I said on air,

Thought Juan, “I must try my luck elsewhere”.

IX.

And so he came to Dover in the Packet,

Losing no time in getting up to town;13

But left, as he was wont to leave, a racket

Among the bright eyes black and blue and brown;

I vouch the fact*,14 and Mrs. Payne15 will back it,

Who told it me the last time I was down:

 70

Unless I’m sure of facts I ne’er advance ’em,—

Besides she said he was so very handsome.

X.

Juan liked London well enough, ’twas winter;

In summer weather London’s rather dull,

Unlike the brain, where hearty dinners centre,

Becoming gayer as the streets get full.

And forth he daily went that every inter-

-Esting sight of London he might cull:

A week or so all this was very well,

But as his purse grew low his spirits fell.

 80

XI.

He saw the Devil’s Houses, great and small,

Lounging to one or other every other night;

He saw the Tower and Pidcocks16 and St. Paul,

And wondered how the streets were made so light;

And then he took to thinking after all,

He might present her not so rare a sight,

Yet one of greater Interest than any,

A man in London streets without a penny.

XII.

One day he thought of taking to the Law,

But that required both too much time and reading;

 90

And then the Church, for every where he saw

Its followers exhibited high feeding;

Then a thought struck his pericranium17—“Pshaw!

For Church or Law I ne’er had College breeding,

I don’t see how my family to fix

In London, better than Politics.”18

XIII.

Now, Juan left a mort of debts behind him,

In Judgement bonds and many a post obit,19

And, if his Creditors should ever find him,

He thought it equity, like William Cobbett,20

 100

To allow no Incumbrances to bind him:

“As for my dear friend’s purse I’ll never rob it,”

Quoth he—“but then my family so motly

Must first be well established à la Botley.”21

XIV.

This was safe argument, let men deny it,

So Juan boldly set himself to work

At once, with all his might and main, to try it,—

And if he wrote no parodies on Kirk,22

And only could prevail on folks to buy it,

Himself a Pagan, Infidel or Turk,

 110

He knew it matter’d not a silver Groat23

Whate’er he printed, penned or said or thought.

XV.

He took an office, hard by the Change Gate,24

Which had been tenanted, time immemorial,

By men who sit in all the pride of State,

And daily place in even ranks before ye—all

The scandal of the Little, or the Great,

Both magisterial and senatorial

But Seven25 pence charge (if up you want to scrape any,)

A short time since ’twas only Sixpence halfpenny.

 120

XVI.

There lay the Chronicle,26 and there the Sun,27

The Globe,28 and once a week th’Examiner;29

The Advertiser,30 the Republican,31

The Herald32 and the Statesman33 and the Star,34

The Courier too, enough to startle one,35

The greatest Liar of the whole by far;

Besides the Times, and sheeted Evening Mail,

That issues from it like a double tail.36

XVII.

And Mr. Clement’s Observer,37 and

A long string more, whose names I have forgotten,

 130

But mostly published in or near the Strand,

Which were without them like a herring shotten.38

Juan however thought it second hand

To deal in politics so rank and rotten,

And being, as he deemed, as good a railer,

He cut the Business of a News Retailer.

XVIII.

And sat up for himself as publisher

Of Rubbish on Reform; and no bad hit

Was this of Juan’s, if, as I aver,

He had been dubbed in Scio39 for a Wit.

 140

Then, prythee, wherefore should not Juan stir

About a Radical Reform a bit?

As well as Dons, with Sculls no atom fuller,

Sherwin,40 or Watson,41 Hunt,42 Carlile,43 or Wooler.44

XIX.

Not but the last has certainly his Quantum

Of Courage, Nerve and Game, as well as brain;

And, tho’ in ireful mood my Lord of Grantham,45

Once flourished over him a whanghee cane,46

The Dwarf’s47 a tightish little bit of Bantam:48

Herein I merely venture to maintain,

 150

That if he flock with birds of such a feather,

He can’t complain if they get shot together.

XX.

I’ll tell you what were some of Juan’s Qualities,

(That are’nt possessed by every learned Editor,)

He’d pen you Sonnets on the day’s realities,

Mislay the Contributions of Proveditor,49

Write poems on Italian immoralities,

And mightily conceive himself your Creditor:50

Then if you blamed his muse, for morals damning her,

He’d call his Wife, and bid you cross Examine her.51

 160

XXI.

Besides, I’ve reason to believe his Head

Of Classicalities a perfect Storehouse;

In very good Translations he had read

Whole heaps of such old bucks as Tryphiodorus.52

Altho’ he never was at college bred:

For instance if he talk’d to you of Moorhouse,53

Carlile, or any other such reforming fellow,

He’d drag in Cataline54 or Massaniello.55

XXII.

With means like these if Juan didn’t succeed,

And carry all before him like a charge

 170

Of Yeomanry,56 it’s very hard indeed.

Suppose we then, careering and at large,

Her anchor heaved, and from her mooring freed,

The Vessel, or for Rhyming sake the Barge

Of all his hopes upon the treacherous sea

Of undisputed popularity.

XXIII.

It was the Time when England’s robe was rent,

And famine’s curse was blistering on her tongue;57

When thro’ her every limb strange shiverings went,

And suffering had her every nerve unstrung;

 180

When passion vainly strove to find a vent,58

When helplessly her maniac arms were flung

To Heaven, and Heaven allowed unscathed to go,

The monsters who had wrought such utter woe.

XXIV.

This was the hour our old friend Juan hit upon

To prop the pillars of a falling cause;59

A cause degraded, hooted at, and spit upon

By all good subjects of our equal laws;

(That is by all who happen to have lit upon

Some good fat garbage for their hungry maws,)

 190

And, tho’ he had but little, chose to risk it

Upon a paper called The Devilled Biscuit.60

XXV.

And Juan called it so, because concocted

Of every hot or savoury Ingredient;

Upholding principles the same as Locke did,

Who built a paper limit for the obedient:61

Besides, with magisterial views he stocked it,

The measures mercifully deemed expedient,

The cutting, maiming, stabbing, slashing, hacking,62

—’Twas dedicated to their Worships’ cracking.

 200

XXVI.

Of old, when victories the Continental,

Arrived, and come they did I don’t know how,

More regular than landlords get their rental,

The streets were in an uproar with the row

Of horns and roaring boys, and throats that spent all

Their breath to get a bit of bread,—but now

The newsman’s voice is hoarse with thundering forth

Our glory-covered Heroes of the North.63

XXVII.

But this was vulgar Juan thought, as was

Another scheme of modern innovation,

 210

The sticking papers in the window glass

Of offices, in some conspicuous station,

To catch the eyes of travellers that pass,

Who’d otherwise ne’er think about the nation:

’Tis very well for common Grub Street Ballads,

But he disdained to pamper their rank palates.

XVIII.

This common editorial trick our Don,

Disdaining puffularity,64 avoided:

He ne’er his Daily Journal pasted on

His window, thus no idle man nor boy did

 220

Impede the passengers, who stepping on,

Such nonimpedimentum65 much enjoy did:

For He like Coleridge would with ready club lick66

That million headed beast, a READING PUBLIC.

XXIX.

“’Tis very well,” said he, “shut up in study,

By Gas Light to be conning learned lore,

Or reading papers to our dearest Judy,

While she our breakfast from a teapot pour;

But horrible indeed, when streets are muddy,

To queer a mob that paper spelling o’er,

 230

With visages no doubt for wise and grave meant,

And have to elbow them, or quit the pavement.”

XXX.

At that dread hour, the solemn hour of four,

When forth the beating hearts ‘smoke dried and seared,

And shrivelled up,’67 from counting houses pour,

And change time comes desired by some, or feared;

As thronged the countless hundreds past his door,

Leaning against the door-post he appeared;

And thus with light guitar genteely swung,

His Devilled Biscuit to the mob he sung.

 240

XXXI.

A second Orpheus68 – there in mute amaze

Around him Bears, and Bulls, and Asses came,

And Ducks and Geese, to listen, or to gaze

Upon the stranger with a Spanish name.

He made a rare to-do for some few days,

Despite the cries of “bravo,” “off,” and “shame,”

From those who came to hiss, and those who cheered him:

And, thus, he sung the only day I heard him.

The Devilled Biscuit

XXXII.

ON Thursday last our hearts went pit à pat,

Our feet sans pattens as the streets were clean,

 250

We found the west end of the town quo stat—69

(You know what such old Latin phrases mean,)

Altho’ the Radicals were meant to chat,

And Government’s old eye was glancing green

With jealousy, yet gave them leave to talk,

And kept the soldiers in the Birdcage Walk.70

XXXIII.

Fine feathers make fine birds in any cage,

And Government ’tis said have got a few:

I hope the Coldstream wo’n’t be in a rage,

And set the Thames on fire at a review:

 260

I hope the Horse Guards will be cool and sage,

So “darkly, deeply, beautifully blue!”71

I quote that line from Mr. Southey’s ‘Madoc,’

Wherein he writes about a dying haddock.72

XXXIV.

So much for soldiers—I indeed ne’er saw them,

And take the Courier’s word for matter o’fact,

I swear I never heard the rabble jaw them,

So I suppose they’d no command to act;

I saw no swords, or Yeomen sent to draw them,

But I confess at window frame compact,

 270

High over-head I saw a noble nob—

They said the owner’s name was Irish Bob.73

XXXV.

I often wish this Bob, like Bobadil,74

(Who struts our stage the very prince of stormers)

Upon his plan would just contrive to kill

Some fifty thousand of these vile Reformers;

Or sabre them into a Surgeon’s bill,

Your sabre is the best of all deformers:

Mens’ felt is soft, and so are women’s Dunstables,75

Besides, he’d save the king some cash and constables.

 280

XXXVI.

And here I would particularly urge on

The circle grave to whom I sing aloud,

That I observed a solemn looking surgeon

Studying a book unjostled by the crowd;

’Tis well thought I—I donned my best habergeon,76

When Doctors come, of their profession proud,

And study ‘Cross’s Surgery’*77 on the spot!78

There’s many a Radical will soon be shot.

XXXVII.

I’m not a RADICAL myself, but that

Is neither here nor there; I’ve no ambition

 290

To have a brace of bullets thro’ my hat,

Or e’en adopt amphibious condition;

And to avoid the sabre, or brick-bat,

Swim the Thames river as a merry fish in,

That Palace Yard, you know is no bad place

For making Tritons of the populace.79

XXXVIII.

I’ve heard that mobs are fickle, false and finical,

But, tho’ they be all that and radical

To boot, I do confess a hideous sin I call

The making them become so haddockal;

 300

And should from hall of Westminster’s high pinnacle

Be griev’d to hear them on their Daddie call

For mercy, since the King or good, or bad, he

In every nation is the people’s daddie.*80

XXXIX.

’Twas so at Rome, when Rome was giv’n to flattery,

Whenever any of her bold he-roes

Silenc’d the fire of Carthaginian battery,

Or took an old Numidian by the nose,

They dubb’d the darling villain PATER PATRIÆ,*81

And Livy82 penn’d long Gazette83 in prose:

 310

So Julius Cæsar did arrive to be

His father’s and his mother’s own Daddie.84

XL.

The consequence of such a scheme is plain:

The Daddy, well broke in by million slaughters,

Had not acquired his stoicism in vain,

But freely flogged unruly sons and daughters,

Until the silly urchins roared again:85

And, sometimes, he prepared his axe and halters,

Witness Le Thiére’s splash of the first Brutus:86

We’ll call at Bullock’s87 if the Guards don’t hoot us.

 320

XLI.

They stopp’d Lord Essex,88 tho’, the other day;

But whether he was going to see that picture

I can’t affirm; it struck me, by the way,

The guard that stopped him looked much like the Lictor:89

On which, I heard some angry people say

“Altho’ he’d been at Waterloo the victor,

He was not fully justified to tread all

People down, who did not wear a medal.”

XLII.

I’m but a man, but if I were a woman

I should not be so much afraid of Guards,

 330

But like Eliza Gaunt90 I dread a Yeoman,

And think him as immaculate as ’pards;

I don’t say Leo-pards there’s something Roman

Sticks to the Lion expletive which bards,

Or learned naturalists have given the beast

Which Yeoman doth not copy in the least.

XLIII.

Now, that I’m musing on this Betty Gaunt,

I wonder if she’s lineally descended

By Father, Mother, Brother, Uncle, Aunt,

From him who Lusitanian Tower defended;91

 340

O’er whom the scaling foe could never vaunt,

But toppled down each rascal that ascended?

I feel a thirst for Antiquarian Knowledge,

And mean to call some day at Herald’s College.

XLIV.

You used some Centuries past to have a phrase

For neat expression of some trifle petty,

I’ve often heard it in my younger days,

If I remember right,—“My Eye and Betty!”

Aye, “Betty Martin”92—but Wordsworthian Rays

Of Genius now afford us one as pretty,

 350

Foy*93 for our Martin—“Pshaw, ’tis all my aunt,

’Tis all my uncle’s wife and Betty Gaunt!”

XLV.

O Betty! fare thee well, and if for ever,94

I must an Exile part from Hunt and thee.

Let not the Manchester Occurrence*95 sever

The tender bond of our Triumviry:

You’ll find that Hunt as shrewd a cove, and clever,—

I must be off to Palace Yard, and see

If they intend to poke the Brighton lances

Thro’ Cartwright,96 Hobhouse,97 Walker98 or Sir Francis.99

 360

XLVI.

Resuming then;—as near as I remember,

It was a day looked forward to by courtsmen,

Morning but twice had kissed her dear September—100

(The day before, they were disturbed by sportsmen)

Upon the hustings, built of seasoned timber,

Were gathered a rare knot of keen reportsmen,

Prepared to note whate’er Sir F. should speak,

In characters, that’s all, resembling Greek.101

XLVII.

I saw, you’re well aware I never lie,

With my own polypheman,102 sharp as sickle,

 370

Their papers aspinate,103 their pencils fly,

And in the twinkling of a bedposticle,104

Catch words that lightened from the speaker’s eye

Before his teeth began his tongue to tickle:

For, in your English, from the teeth and tongue,

And the embrace of lips, is language sprung.

XLVIII.

’Tis fit I105 tell you tho’, all danger scorning,

That I was there reporter for myself,

And walked down with a friend on Thursday morning,

Leaving Haidee with bread and cheese on shelf,

 380

A little milk to stay our childrens’ yawning,

And sixpence halfpenny in a copper pelf,

Queen of our baking, boiling, stewing, hashing,

And shutter-up, should guards that way be slashing.

XLIX.

We walked to Charing Cross with circumspection,

As well became us, after what had happed

To certain stout Reporters, whom the affection

Of Mother Fame had somewhat overpapped;

We did not wish for fifteen hours reflection

Within a prison, by constables kidnapped,

 390

We thought of **** the Courier’s—not as sly as

That Teucer-like-manœuvering Mr. Tyas.106

L.

Arrived, we found the meeting rather small,

But that in such a case is nothing strange;

A mob in town is like a great snow-ball,

Tho’ not so clean about the centre range,

And does not in a moment gather all

Its rich ingredients; like a till of change,

Moments elapse ere its dimensions round,

Or ball becomes a heap—or till a pound.

 400

LI.

I stood in Surry, on the bridge of Minster,*107

West of St. Paul’s, and saw the mob assemble;

Before me stood an interesting spinster,

Against the balustrade, who leaned to tremble;

Perceiving of her laboring breast the in-stir,

I said “That mob in Palace Yard resemble

Of harmless sheep th’innumerable flocks;”

“Good heaven,” said she, “how disappointment shocks.”

LII.

“Then will it all pass off without a Riot?”

Says I, “Miss, I believe in faith it will;”

 410

“Shall we not have some soldier play to spy at?”

Says I, “The colonel, ma’am, is very ill!”

Says she, “Excitement is the soul’s high diet!”

Says I, “To day you’ll not enjoy your fill;

And so adieu, poor trembler,” then I bowed

Of course, and sought the hustings thro’ the crowd.

LIII.

My friend, meanwhile, had there procured a place,

And when I had attained his side I threw

My Spanish glance o’er all the populace,

Expanding in a broken square to view,

 420

The greater part genteel in hat and face,

(My rule for judging what a mob will do,)

Which having glanced, I did address my friend,

And prophesied to him how all should end.

LIV.

Then came the leader of our sports that day,

OLD ENGLAND’S HOPE, AND WESTMINSTER’S PRIDE.108

Beside him classic Hobhouse held his sway,

Whose Roman Stylum109 hath so oft defied

Of armed power the sabre’s lightning play:

And then a thousand acclamations vied

 430

To lighten the full heart, that like a flood

Whelmed with its overthrow the Great and Good.

LV.

’Tis meet I here should give you timely warning,

That all our newspapers have got a trick,

Their speeches for our public men adorning,

Of patching and of painting two inch thick,110

The metaphors that fly at eve and morning,

Until exaggeration makes you sick;

For instance, there’s the New right-liner Times,

That might as well be all set up in rhymes.

 440

LVI.

Even so that Evening Mail’s eventful Ghost,

That’s sold by twenties and by thirties; or

The Morning Chronicle or, Morning Post,

Or Morning Herald, or Advertiser,

Or Courier, that adorns, at England’s cost,

Miss Constitution, and then dirties her,

By stumbling into some confounded sink,

And covering her with mud and printer’s ink.

LVII.

There is no Salt of Lemons will discharge

The iron-mould these cursed splashes leave;

 450

They eat into her petticoats, enlarge,

And find their oily way up waist and sleeve;

The Blanchisseuse111 may work away in barge,

But no Reforming Laundress can relieve

That sullied hue, and there restore the true one,

The Constitution then must buy a new one.

LVIII.

You clearly comprehend my last long sentence,

I’m cautious now of what Cockade I wear,

I’ve just observed an Oliver who went hence

To build Reforming Castles in the air;

 460

And, tho’ for ever in a dungeon pent hence,

He’d swear he saw me in St. James’s Square

With Jumping M‘Gregor,112 or Simon Bolivar,113

And pike-armed Radicals—Oh Judas Oliver!114

LIX.

I’ve made a Mem. to call as I go by

At Herald’s College, and a moment hear

Of Betty Gaunt the glorious ancestry;

I’ll fish out too there if this Olivier115

Came in a right line from that noble fry,

That fell with ‘brave King Charles and every peer,’116

 470

Of Olivers one wishes (barring malice)

The last of them had fall’n at Roncesvalles.117

LX.

Then mind, I said, that Mad’m’selle Constitution,

Would find it requisite to buy a garment,

To lace her stays with tape of Resolution,

And veil in muslin fresh her appas charmants;

You may construe my sentence to confusion,

But I on oath aver that I no harm meant;

I did not say she should be brought to bed,

And leave us Baby Governments instead.

 480

LXI.

Well then, altho’ I scorn to crow at ye,

You’ll not find my report so incorrect,

The other papers deal in poetry,

As you in every column may detect:

When I my Devilled Biscuit throw at ye,

Truth is the only seasoning I affect.—

Sir Francis doffed his hat, the people shouted,

And wide around flew every word he spouted.

LXII.118

“Hail, friends and free-born Countrymen, all hail!119

There’ll be no day on earth so dear to me

 490

As this, on which already ’gin to pale

The ineffectual fires120 of tyranny;

And broad and bright the People’s majesty

Upriseth as the sun from Ocean’s deep,

To gild the level flood of Liberty;

Or like a giant from his hour of sleep,

Prepared the Race to run, and the Reward to keep.

LXIII.

“Even with a glow so silent, soft, and calm,

May the true Majesty of England rise,

Chasing our island fogs, and shower her balm

 500

Upon our land’s convulsive agonies,

Stilling ripe manhood’s groan, and orphan cries,121

That startle from their sleep the Burgher’s guard,

Where Justice to the stained tribunal flies,

With garments rent, and bosom idly bared,

To supplicate in vain for those the sword hath spared.

LXIV.

“‘Can such things be?’ and have we rightly heard

These pigeon rumours winging from the North?

Even by the Region where our Percy spurred

The gallant steed so conscious of his worth,

 510

And o’er his castle drawbridge thundered forth

Into the strife of men—was’t there they drew—

Our modern Hotspurs,122 on their mother earth?

But bade the Hotspur’s heart a long adieu,

In woman’s gentle blood their falchions to imbrue!

LXV.

“Corruption woke;—there was a cry ‘they come123

The trampling thousands in their banded might,’

With reedy music and irregular drum,

And banners glancing to the noonday bright;

Fair Freedom’s mail—a consciousness of right,

 520

The only armour of defence they wear;

But then, oh! God, it is a dreadful sight

To see the weaponshow of man’s despair,—

Petition’s fainting knee, and famine’s faltering prayer.

LXVI.

“Alas! my Countrymen, to breathe at length

That prayer for bread but little time is given;

Ere yet the rising accents gain their strength

Adown the throat again complaint is driven,

And buried in the heart,—where long have striven

Conflicting hopes, and pride that grapples woe,—

 530

Until the Godlike veil of Man is riven,

And the immortal spirit, sinking low,

Kneel at the Tyrant’s taunt, and fawn upon his blow?

LXVII.

“Even thus met Englishmen in peaceful guise

Upon the firm earth of that saintly*124 field;

Their council-hall o’er-domed by rolling skies,

That spread, they rashly deemed, an ample shield,

For those that in the open day-light wield

Petition’s olive branch,—the freeman’s tongue,—

But ne’er to Speech did the oppressor yield, —

 540

Already to their steeds the Yeomen sprung,

And note of maddening charge their hollow bugle rung.

LXVIII.

“A moment, and the sword hath done it’s duty,

And thro’ unarmed thousands hacked a way;

And changed to pallid corse our mortal beauty,

And drenched in its own blood our mortal clay:

Dispersion was a reed that could not stay

The truster in his flight—again there rushed

With desperate heel fresh Hotspurs to the fray:

The sabre’s edge hath every murmur hushed,

 550

And charger’s iron hoof the cells of reason crushed.

LXIX.

“Fast fell defenceless manhood in that hour,

And womanhood and childhood lost their charm,

Humanity her sceptre,—thought her power;

And justice was a bruised and broken arm,

Upon the rampant field of that alarm.

On every side was heard a fiendish cry,

Where slaughter’s sickle reaped her crimson farm,

Wreathing the dead ears round her temples high,

As the REFORMER fell,—and saddening sank to die.

 560

LXX.

“Sleep on—the stainless banner of Reform

Shall never more to thy applauses wave;—

THOU hast been wafted ere the rising storm

Hath massed its thunders;—to a freeman’s grave,

To the repose that never pillowed slave:

The pinions of thy children’s prayer ascend

Dabbled in blood—from the absorbing cave

O’er which, in vengeful adjuration bend,

Their weapons half-unsheathed,—the groupe that call thee friend.

LXXI.

“For Thee, thy hope—thy cause—thy cause and theirs,

 570

This day indignant thousands lift their voice,

The children of reform and lineal heirs

Of spirit at which the buried great rejoice,

And, here confirm the unhesitating choice

Of Freedom, who hath chosen their peerless bride,

Unawed and unseduced by counterpoise

Of heartless gold,—or exofficial pride,

Even to the edge of doom125 her fortunes to abide.”

LXXII.

Thus far the Baronet, with patriot frown,—

When, from St. Margaret’s126 railing to the wave,

 580

Uprose o’er Palace Yard a cry of “down,”

Then ran the timid, and stood still the brave;

And those who paid their halfpence, or half crown,

For good positions, ready opening gave

To the encreasing thousands, whose reproaches

Fell fast and furious on the line of Coaches.

LXXIII.

And scarcely had attention bent to hear

From every point of reassembling station,

When music thrilled upon the general ear,127

And wands and banners with self-salutation

 590

Came waving on, renewing empty fear,

Of agitation the reundulation:128

(That phrase is like the one your Cicero thunder’d

On men’s impatience)129—Hail to the Two Hundred!

LXXIV.

And, thus, a stir of fresh confusion rose,

Just as Sir Francis did his speech retether;

And people for a moment deemed their foes

This Committee, who wore presumptuous feather,

But I’m obliged, and here abruptly close,

As it may seem, my notice altogether

 600

Of this Harangue—you have the pith already

Of all his speech,—whatever further said he.

LXXV.

The usual Resolutions then were read,

Which Hobhouse130 seconded with might and main:

“Is this,” he shouted, “England that we tread,

Or is it but the slavish soil of Spain?

Shall the petition for diurnal bread

Be answered here by sabre or by chain?

Commended to the GOD OF BATTLES be

Our hope of vengeance and of victory.”

 610

LXXVI.

“Is liberty become a mere Pretender,

That Ministers insult her, downright flat?

As bully Falstaff did his worship,—‘Slender

I broke your head, I know, well! What of that?

I’ll do it again because I find it tender!’131

(The mob thought this quotation very pat,—

A Frenchman near me whispered, nothing takes here

So well as low vulgarity from Shakespeare.)

LXXVII.

“And is our English pride beyond all hope,

Fled from her rock, her altar, and her home,

 620

To pawn her honor for a hangman’s rope,

And sign her warrant in Corruption’s tome?

Must we like ministerial hirelings grope

Amid the dusty sepulchres of Rome,

To borrow for our Regent’s hour mysterious

The cast off domino of old Tiberius?132

LXXVIII.

“Even at the moment of its wildest flood

The ocean hath its limit, so hath power,

’Tis chartered for the universal good,

And tho’ its ravage waste for one brief hour,—

 630

And tho’it ebbs in waves of civil blood,—

It is at length dashed back by some stern tower,

On which our mortal energies uprear

The streaming standard of its future fear.

LXIX.

“Come then! The furious flood hath reached its height,—

The tower is undermined,—the standard fallen,—

The tenth black wave that may o’erwhelm in sight,—

The timid by its curling ridge appallen,—

Come then! in harness to the battle dight,

Come ye, who freedom’s knighthood have installen,

 640

The buttress of her crumbling fort repair,

And raise Her banner to the kindred air.”133

LXXX.

Hereon, a shout arose that soon subsided,

And, as the stentor134 read each resolution,

A cautious concourse left the crowd, as I did,

Aware in time of breaking up confusion;

Tho’ quite as many in the crown abided,

For there was spouting up to the conclusion;

They said Gale Jones135 was inkling to address them,

But as they would’nt hear—he did’nt press them.

 650

LXXXI.

Then as to Mr. Clarke136 and Mr. Walker,

And Watson, who was there—altho’ that day

He did not condescend to be a talker,

I’d heard some fifty times what they could say,

So I preferred at once to be a stalker,

And with my friend marched manfully away,

To get by guess their several speeches up,137

Before Haidee and I sat down to sup.138

LXXXII.

Oh! it was great and glorious to behold,—

As we beheld it from an eminence,—

 660

That mass of population, as it rolled

In all its density of numbers thence;

New vigor braced the sinews of the old,

Warmed by the fire of that day’s eloquence.

And hope went dancing onward with the young—

Thus Juan spoke—that is I mean, he sung.

LXXXIII.

And longer had he sung, but with a frown

A City Marshalman impatient rose

Who flung on either side the rabble down,

And seized our street Musician by the nose.

 670

In vain did Juan tip him half a crown,

He took the fee—and kept his prisoner close:

Not suffering him to wash, or comb his hair,

Until he’d carried him before the Mayor.

LXXXIV.

Think not that I intend with pen profane

That civi-classic mansion139 to define,

Emerging darkly from Bearbinder Lane,140—

Be that reserved for worthier pen than mine:

Tho’ scarce my glowing spirit can refrain

From entering on the task, it looks so fine,

 680

And for an annual residence to fit—all

Cased in smoke, half-prison, half-hospital.—

LXXXV.

They say Stocks Market grew upon its site,—

(Remember that I call no one blockhead,)

I only say, that wishing to be right,

I always carry Johnson141 in my pocket,

And think Stocks Market it may still be hight,

Considering the way in which they stock it,

Considering too, among its other oddities,

’Tis mostly stocked with saleable commodities.142

 690

LXXXVI.

Be that however as it may, therein

A silence all portentous reigned that day;

The clatter of the cooks had ceased143 its din,

And every heart was trembling with dismay;

For it was prophecied that men of sin

In some old worsted stocking Plot would lay,

Which o’er the city, e’er to-morrow broke,

Would burst abroad in kindling fire and smoke.

LXXXVII.

And there was whispering low and swearing hard

Of special constables, thro’out the long

 700

And weary day, until the civic guard

Amounted to at least six thousand strong;

From Candlewick they came, and Cornhill ward,

A very worthy, tho’ a motley throng,

Prepared to stand a siege, or make a sally

Up Lombard Street, and back thro’ Pope’s Head Alley.144

LXXXVIII.

By these our presents be it amply known145

To England’s ministers, and all whom most

It may concern,—that there almost alone

The pink of Magistrates146 was at his post;

 710

Like eastern despot on his worshipped throne,

His eye glanced widely joyous o’er the host

Of loyalty, that round his musnud147 pressed

Desirous to fulfil his high behest.

LXXXIX.

’Twas not yet dusk, but hark, what means that shout,

As tho’ to crack our very eardrums sent?148

“To arms!—to arms! The foe’s already out,

Man every gallery and battlement,

Some trusty spy go join the rabble rout,

And if they’re gone, observe which way they went,

 720

What damage they’ve already done the Town,

And if the Tower’s blown up, St.Michael’s149 down.”

XC.

Thus spake the Magistrate, and as he spake,

I only sing what those who saw him said,

Like one afflicted with the belly ache,

He shrugged his shoulders, and he shook his head,

Then forward leaned, as tho’ he wished to take

The earliest glimpse of what he seemed to dread,

When lo! no other popped before him than

Our old friend Juan and the marshalman.

 730

XCI.

I’ve given of Juan no description yet,

Except the Greek one in my second Canto,

So reader mind I’m something in your debt

For that’s too distant to refer a man to;

Besides, since then, his thewes are much more set,

And matrimony some time since began to

Affix her claws upon his cheeks, and twist him

With strange derangements of his nervous system.

XCII.

I shall postpone my picture of him that

In case you happened to be in the court,

 740

You may not think my long description flat,

But enter freely into all the sport;

How gravely there Bashaw Majore150 sat,

And, like the Syracusan151 in his fort,

Thought he could move whate’er he lay his hand upon

Could he obtain a borough but to stand upon.

XCIII.

And then how self-possessed the Spanish Callant,152

(Whom I have just described so accurately,)

Exhibited that most annoying talent,

Evinced by most placarding statesmen lately,

Of treating with indifference non chalant

 750

The queries put by magistrates so stately,

And then—(excuse me if I don’t say why, Sir,)

Turning the tables on his catechiser.

XCIV.

The warrant, like most warrants, was directed

To all good subjects and to any true one,

That he do bring—no matter how detected,—

Before the Mayor a Spaniard called Don Juan,

Of crimes and treasonous practices suspected,

Securing thus the presence of the buon

Cavaliero,153 and the marshalman:—

 760

When thus the city Solomon began.

XCV.

“Your name?”—“Don Juan”—“Well! your country?” “Spain,”—

“A Spaniard, are you!—well, you must be taught here,

What never seems to have disturbed your brain,

How folks like you are treated when they’re caught here;

Why came you here Sir?”—quoth the Mayor again,

Quoth Juan coolly, “Wherefore was I brought here?”

And kept his countenance—a sin so flagrant,

’Twas thought he’d been committed for a vagrant.

XCVI.

“We’ve heard enough already of your pranks,

 770

There’s not a town in Europe does not scout you;

Expatriated first, the very Franks

Have branded you, you bear the marks about you;

To pour your venom thro’ our lower ranks

You’ve now come here,—but they can do without you;

Altho’ you think in London here to winter

What’s your profession?—tell me Sir?” “A Printer!”—

XCVII.

“Know you of any plot to burn the City?

“I’ve heard it said your Lordship’s self has heard of it.”

“You’ve heard it said,—and that you mean for witty,

There’s treason and reform in the full third154 of it,

 780

And such as you are traitors,” “More’s the pity!”

Said Juan, “but I don’t believe a word of it.”

“But, I believe it sir,—and mean to save it.155

The information is on affidavit.”

XCVIII.

“My Lord, you’ll name th’informer if on oath,”

“Sir I shall not,”—“My Lord that’s rank oppression;

You I defy and your informer both;”

“Sir,” quoth the Mayor, “I ask for no confession,

But I’m duty bound, tho’ very loth;

To bind you over to the Quarter Session,

 790

With two good honest bails that must be found

With you in sureties for Five Hundred Pound.”

XCIX.

So Juan looked about, and there were two

Stepped from the crowd who happened to be there,

Two men of wealth whom every body knew,

Except unluckily the worthy Mayor,

A pair of sturdy men of business, who

Resolved to see the stranger treated fair,

But, they were not admitted bail, altho’ ’tis

Usual without the twenty four hours notice.

 800

C.

“My Lord,” said Juan, seemingly astonished,

“Is then all justice from your Lordship fled?

If you persist, illegally I’m punished,

The peril then be on your Lordship’s head!”

But not much liking to be so admonished,

Thus of his speech the Mayor snapped off the thread;

“Guards seize the traitor! to the Compter156 bear him,

There let him learn obedience, we’ll not spare him!”

CI.

And so the Don was marching off to prison,

(First having penned a note to dear Haidee;)

 810

When like the great Lord Keeper’s157 Scottish bison

Dabbled in blood and horrible to see,

A six-foot Butcher158 with his steel uprisen,

Rushed into court—familiar, frank and free,

With loud vociferation of expression

Startling the DIG of that supernal session.

CII.

And ’ere the Mayor, recovering from the pop,

Of such an apparition asked the reason,

The Butcher cried, “Deserving Newgate drop,

Is every fool that circulates such treason!

 820

Here have I been, your Worship, in my shop,

Arguing these three hours, in this melting season,

With half a dozen butchers who declare

There is a fool that fills a civic chair.”

CIII.

“‘A fool, a fool, we met a fool,”159 said they,

(With senseless clamour to the charge returning)

‘A motley fool,’ that swore the other day

He smelt the brimstone some Guy Fawkes was burning;

Beneath the street gunpowder puncheons lay,

That would to heaven Bow steeple soon be spurning.

 830

Besides a million pikes, with double edges,

Hid up for Radicals in Shoreditch hedges.

CIV.

“At which, your Worship, with a Belcher stride,

I just stept up to one, and on my block

Pummelled his ORGANS,160 telling him he lied;

That I would answer for your noble stock,161

That in a drove of such would be my pride;

But then because I fib, my hearty Cock,

Don’t think of cooler argument I shy am,—

I say the Mayor’s no more a fool than I am.

 840

CV.

“And so I said, as loud as I could bellow,

And tell your Worship, to your Lordship’s face,

I think you are by far the cleverest fellow

That ever occupied your Worship’s place.

I told them so, the Raffs! with faces yellow,

Like their own tallow, a degenerate race!

They blustered about Russel,162 Hampden,163 Sidney,164

Say what you like, says I, the Mayor’s a Lad of Kidney.”165

CVI.

Up rose the Mayor with gratulating phiz,

“Butcher! we thank thee for thy kind defence;

 850

We thank thee166 that thou didst exhibit Wis-

-Dom and disinterested Eloquence;

But prithee, as our advocate, dismiss

The force of English blows for English sense;

In one word (misinterpretation barring)

Be bold my friend,—but, mitigate your sparring!”

CVII.

Thereat, the noble Butcher’s eyes struck fire,

Flashing like powder-pan both right and left,

And rose his leg of mutton fist in ire,

As if he would the Mayor in twain have cleft.

 860

“Fought I for you!” quoth he, “and called a liar,

The scoundrels who your character bereft?

I s’pose from Gratitude as much you’d winced,

Had I the Radicals by wholesale minced!”

CVIII.

Then forth the Champion rushed—the Mayor uprose,

And for the day his myrmidons167 dismissed;

And went to seek the Mayoress I suppose,

The while a few disloyal varlets hissed;

I longed to see, I must confess it, those

With each a trusty handcuff on his wrist,

 870

Awaiting quiz from that theatric jester

And pattern of humanity Sylvester

CIX.

Daggerwood168 as played by Mr.  Kean,169

Who had it for his benefit at Drury,

And hacked and slashed away thro’ every scene

Upon our muscles risible like fury;

These hissing ragamuffins had they been,

As I was, in the pit that night I’m sure he

Would not have left one hissing symptom visible,—

I saved my life by being anti-risible. —

 880

CX.